Dear Prudence,Nine months ago, my husband and I rescued two three-month-old feral kittens, who we named Schroedinger and Genghis Khat. They were supposed to be fosters, but have since become "foster failures" and found a permanent home with us. Schroedinger has adjusted beautifully to life in our home, but Genghis remains a scaredy cat who spends much of his time hiding. When I or one of my two teenaged children approach him slowly, we're sometimes able to enjoy a nice petting session, usually in a comfortable spot where Genghis likes to lie down while we pet him. But my husband expects that after nine months Genghis should be a lap kitten already, and he frequently picks Genghis up and forcibly cuddles him. This often causes Genghis to use his claws and hiss, and my husband is the only family member who Genghis hisses at. It's frustrating for my husband, and it makes me sad, that Genghis is still so afraid. How can I get my husband to be more patient with Genghis so that our home can truly be his forever home?
Hiding in the Shadows
Dear Hiding,
Usually humans write to me for advice on how to improve their cats' manners, so I'm not sure what to tell your human husband to improve his manners that Genghis hasn't very clearly told him already. Maybe you should tell your human that if he keeps making Genghis angry and frightened, one day Genghis might hurt a family member or a family friend--and that will be your husband's fault. And if Genghis hurts a family friend who ends up going to a human court of law that takes away Genghis or some of your money, that will be your husband's fault, too.
Your human probably doesn't know how it feels to be small and defenseless and living alone with the constant fear that something bigger than you will come along and hurt you. But I'll bet Genghis knows that feeling all too well. Every time your human picks Genghis up and "cuddles" him against his will, he's just reminding Genghis of how scary it was to live outside where he wasn't safe. Like humans, cats all have our own personalities. Some of us are very social and quickly feel comfortable around new humans and recover easily from bad memories of how hard our lives used to be. And some of us just naturally prefer to spend time alone, or need lots of time and patience before we feel truly at home in a new place. My human secretary, Gwen Cooper, once adopted a feral kitten who lived with her for three whole years before she'd sit on Gwen's lap! And even then, when she started spending all her time in Gwen's lap, she still only ever really liked Gwen. Some cats never truly "bond" with more than one or two humans. But you'll never know what Genghis's real personality is like if you don't give him enough time and patience to feel completely safe, comfortable, and loved in his new home.
So you should tell your human to LEAVE GENGHIS ALONE until Genghis feels comfortable enough to go to him! And then you should ask your human why he wanted to rescue these cats in the first place. A child rescues a cat so he can have something cute and cuddly to entertain him when he's bored. A man rescues a cat so he can give that cat a safe and loving home. It is your cat's job to have good manners and treat humans respectfully (which I'm sure Genghis will do if your husband will just LEAVE HIM ALONE), but it's not your cat's job to be cuddly and entertaining on demand. If your human is that desperate for something cute and soft that he can pick up and squeeze whenever he wants to, go to a toy store and buy him a doll. If he's going to act like a bored child, you should treat him like one.
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Dear Prudence,
I have a kitten about seven months old who likes to BITE ME! His name is Martin, and I think he's trying to eat me! Whenever someone else holds him, he's like a little prince, then he bites me. I know he's a kitten, and I've had kittens before, I just don't remember the biting! He has about 327 balls all over the place (his favorite), a tent with toys inside, a carpet tree and all the attention he could ever hope for. So what's up with the biting?
All Bitten Up
Dear Bitten,
Cats usually learn from our littermates or from older cats how much is too much when it comes to playful biting and scratching. You don't say whether you still have any other cats or if Martin is your only, but if you do have other cats then you should let Martin spend as much time as possible playing with them. They'll teach him good manners faster than anybody else could.
But if you don't have any other cats or kittens--or if they refuse to play with Martin--you can still help him out! Spend some time playing with Martin. If he bites you, say "OUCH!" very loudly, then get up and walk away from Martin and ignore him for a while, even if he tries to play with you again. And when he plays nicely, keeping his claws sheathed and not biting you, praise him lavishly and give him a couple of cat treats. Martin will soon learn that good manners get you treats and lots of human attention (which he probably likes), while bad manners get you no treats and no human attention (which he probably won't like at all). Be sure to do this consistently. If you sometimes ignore Martin when he bites you, but other times keep playing with him when he bites you, he'll never make the connection between good manners and good rewards. Good luck!
Prudence will be taking next week off so her human servants can enjoy the holidays, but she'll be back in January 2014!
Prudence is an opinionated New York tabby and the feline narrator of Gwen Cooper's novel Love Saves the Day, a novel written from a cat's point of view. You can write to her with your own cat-behavior questions at dearprudencecat@gmail.com. Her human secretary promises to faithfully write down Prudence's responses to as many letters as she can.